…The problems started innocently enough: My husband Jim asked me to paint the outside of the large playhouse he built for a customer. Sounded simple, but I had no idea about the problems awaiting me.

With the customer’s color chip in hand, we went to get paint, but the store didn’t have the formula for the right tint. I tried to show the saleslady that it was between two different shades and needed extra colorant. But, my husband said, “Don’t worry honey, this lady’s been coloring paint a long time, you just let her handle it.”

I knew trouble was brewing. And then the weather turned nasty.

…For decades I put on a smiling mask and plunged into self-sacrificing service. Hiding under that veneer however, was increasing resentment. I felt unappreciated, that my efforts were in vain, and then I blamed others for my feelings of emptiness…

I had tried to follow Jesus’ call to “deny thyself and take up your cross” – but my false idea was to suppress what I really felt and try harder to act nice for Jesus’ sake. When my wrong attitudes started to show through, I just smeared on more religious activities and platitudes. But there is nothing like total failure to get one’s attention…

…Since childhood, I lived in the get-it-right-or-else state of mind. Even as I studied the Bible, I scolded myself for my lack of understanding … To me rightness came from knowing the correct answers…

My spiritual journey was extremely difficult because I was my own saboteur, presenting myself with a lot of homemade challenges. My thinking was exceedingly muddled and muddied and blocked connection with the true God.

…I started my life like soft, brightly colored Play-Doh – potential in a can. Life tossed me into the hopper, squeezed me through the pattern, and out I popped, a unique star-noodle … But, hardening over time, I felt irrevocably set …

Recently I thought about how the Play-Doh Fun Factory is a picture of how my circumstances and experiences sculpted and molded my view of life. Although I had started off with high hopes and dreams – wounds and disappointments began to shape my sense of identity and reality. Eventually my life felt like a Not-So-Fun-Factory.

…self-righteousness became my shield, my protection, and my defense – all with great subtlety. My resentment wore a tuxedo, and I internalized my anger. I would not let anyone know the turmoil in my heart…

I was quite surprised to realize that the Elder Brother was not the good guy in the story of the Prodigal. I did not recognize the problem because I myself was an “Elder Sister.” I was the good-girl whose sins were not visible on the outside; they were hidden in my heart and covered up.

…it was becoming more difficult to hide what I really felt … like someone caught in quicksand, the harder I tried to get out, the more I sank…

I knocked myself out to become an all-star pastor’s wife, super-mom, and golly-gee-whiz-ain’t-she-the-great-pillar-of-the-community. Even though I really wanted to help people, there was something in me that always got in the way. If people didn’t measure up to my standards, I secretly scorned them.

…One of my dearest friends had married a very difficult person. I could usually control my negative responses to him, but one day all my “penned-up” feelings bolted the corral.

My husband and I, along with our 16 month old baby, stopped by my friend’s house for a brief visit. Within moments of arriving, our daughter merely touched his record albums lined up on the floor. He screamed at her violently as if she were an adult who had done an atrocity. That was the tipping point – I could no longer tolerate his deplorable behavior and I became furious.

…I used to listen to the whackiest radio station you can imagine. A mix of contentious talk shows, dissonant music, and annoying static, Radio J-F-C (Judge, Fix, and Control) became my station of choice early in life.

Eventually I joined the staff, starting as DJ and moving up to Station Manager. Due to its continuous negative programming the FCC would have shut it down had they known about it. Radio Judge-Fix-Control was my own private station which played 24-7 in my head. I don’t know exactly when it began, but its constant background noise seemed completely normal to me.