…self-righteousness became my shield, my protection, and my defense – all with great subtlety. My resentment wore a tuxedo, and I internalized my anger. I would not let anyone know the turmoil in my heart…

I was quite surprised to realize that the Elder Brother was not the good guy in the story of the Prodigal. I did not recognize the problem because I myself was an “Elder Sister.” I was the good-girl whose sins were not visible on the outside; they were hidden in my heart and covered up.

How did I become an Elder Sister? I had been wounded by insults and harsh words. My protection was a firm resolve: “They will not know how much they have hurt me.” Sometimes I would have to leave the room to compose my thoughts and emotions, then I would come back with a temporary smile. I stubbornly refused to give in or give up.

All I wanted was to be loved and accepted – but a heart filled with scorn leaves no room for authentic love. Deep in my spirit I knew that scorn was not leading me in the right direction.

My self-righteousness demanded perfection. My friends would have described me as “nice” and “religious.” I had to be as-right-as-you, if not better. Without realizing it, I resented those who scorned and belittled me. I struggled to make myself perfect while I was stricken with a bitter sense of falling short.

Once my self-righteousness had built a pedestal and I had taken position atop it, my perspective of others changed. My arrogance became vast. Looking back I wonder, “How did I dare to condemn someone whom God had already forgiven? Was I not taking on the position of God? Was I not exalting myself?” I did not realize that I had become the center of my own universe.

Pride had hardened my heart against love. God can only live in a contrite and humble heart, and my scornful heart was not an abiding place for His love. Caring for people at work gave me a sense of fulfillment – but caring for one person while scorning another leads to decay.

Since condemnation was in my heart, it rolled off my tongue. This led to strife in all areas of my life. Finally I had to take a good look at myself. Eeek! I was living in scorn, self-righteousness, strife, and condemnation.

Letting go of my defenses I started the process of reconnecting to God. The transition began when I acknowledged that I was a sinner, a self-righteous sinner of vast proportions. I let go of my fleshly desire for control and self-gain and began to really seek Christ Himself.

Because I had a great magnitude of scorn, it was a long journey to become aware of my horrendous sin against love. In the past, my scornful opinions and attitudes had made it impossible for me to understand the Father’s love and kept me from a real relationship with Him.

At first I struggled to forgive those who had mocked me and criticized me and hurt me to my core. Awakening, I realized that Christ was mocked and scorned and beaten for those same sins against me; the debt has been paid unto death. What about my own grievous sins? Did not Christ die for those sins also? Yes. Yes! Finally I said “yes” to Christ’s most supreme act of love.

I wept in repentance for all the sins I committed against love. And I wept with forgiveness for those who scorned me. And I wept with joy because all is completed in Christ. I let His cleansing water heal the wounds that had festered in my heart. God has no favorites – Christ died for both the sinners and those sinned against.

I see now that our new life in Christ begins at the empty tomb – Christ’s finished work. Christ is risen and thus every promise is complete in Him. Christ is the Savior of the world! He carried my sins and your sins to the Cross and then walked out of the tomb. It is accomplished – sometimes we just have trouble believing it because we can’t see it yet. But we will wake up and see it eventually! Christ is the only answer to a broken heart and spirit; Christ is the only pathway to healing and wholeness.

I discovered that God loves all of us with an outrageous, overwhelming, everlasting love. I am coming alive as I respond to His profound love for all. Finally, I sincerely believed and agreed with the truth of God’s promises for humanity.

I am becoming a riverbed where God’s profound love for everyone flows through me and is continuously recreating me.

ELLAINE COSCARELLA • FEB 2014
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