…I used to listen to the whackiest radio station you can imagine. A mix of contentious talk shows, dissonant music, and annoying static, Radio J-F-C (Judge, Fix, and Control) became my station of choice early in life.
Eventually I joined the staff, starting as DJ and moving up to Station Manager. Due to its continuous negative programming the FCC would have shut it down had they known about it. Radio Judge-Fix-Control was my own private station which played 24-7 in my head. I don’t know exactly when it began, but its constant background noise seemed completely normal to me.
After many years of operation, I learned that Radio J-F-C was sabotaging my life and causing destruction. I immediately tried to revise the programs, but it continued to spew out the same old garbage.
Later I learned why it was so difficult to change the station in my head – it simply broadcast everything I thought and felt. The only pathway would be a complete transformation of my mind and heart, which is precisely God’s plan. This is the story of the radical change of the station in my head.
Beginning of Radio J-F-C (Judge-Fix-Control)
For most of my life, I looked to other people to complete me, people who were just as imperfect as me. When others failed to do the impossible, I judged them. The higher my expectations, the more I judged. My strife only intensified the disconnection, so I tried everything within my power to fix myself and others. Although I did not consider myself a “controlling” person, I definitely believed in control. My energy was spent on trying to manage my circumstances and make my life work. Radio Judge-Fix-Control was up and running.
When I was wronged, I reacted by taking sides. Not that I did this consciously, but I built a wall against what felt unsafe, uncomfortable, or just plain ineffective. Naturally, I gravitated toward the opposite side. Like a teeter totter, when you lift up one end, it automatically lowers the other.
In my case, I lifted up male and lowered female. Growing up with two older brothers, my chief goal was to keep up with the boys. So, spurning all things “girly,” I exchanged dolls and dresses for footballs and jeans. This elevating and devaluing happened so naturally and spontaneously, I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
I could just as easily have picked the opposite side, but it doesn’t matter. The very fact that I took sides was the real problem. My heart was divided and divisive and I was headed for trouble.
The On-going Jury Trial in My Mind
Much of the programming of Radio J-F-C was like an ongoing jury trial where I served as the prosecuting attorney. Presenting evidence against whoever had wronged me, my hope was to prove the other person guilty and acquit myself.
On those occasions when I was the accused, I quickly stepped into the role of defense attorney and argued my own case.
These court room proceedings usually played out silently in my head. Foolishly, I believed no one could hear them if the microphone (my mouth) was turned off. Little did I realize, Radio J-F-C was still broadcasting loud and clear.
When I became a Christian, I accepted that Christ died to pay for my sins and I would someday go to heaven. Along the way I learned I should love others and not judge them, so I tried to reform Radio J-F-C. Covering up my lousy attitudes, I did my best to stifle those things I still thought and felt, but they always managed to leak out. Then I took it up a notch. I got real serious about studying the Bible, and began to fill my life with Christian activities in hopes that would do the trick.
A Self-Confident Mess
My busyness gave the illusion of forward progress, yet my attitudes still stunk. Instead of loving others with a pure heart, I scorned and dismissed those I deemed inferior. Instead of forgiving from my heart, I demanded a long list of conditions before I would even consider forgiving. Instead of trusting God’s promises for the difficult people in my life, I rushed in with my hammer and chisel to fix them.
Even with all this contradiction, I still thought I was tight with God. Who was I kidding? I was really like the Elder Brother in Jesus’s parable: the one who worked hard and followed the rules, but whose heart was far away from the Father.
Radio J-F-C continued to blare louder than ever despite trying everything I knew to change the programs, or at least turn down the volume.
The combination of striving and straining to become spiritual, yet all the while ignoring my divided heart, eventually took its toll. I gave up trying to control myself and went totally AWOL.
Everyone, including me, was shocked. How could I have tried so hard and failed so miserably?
Although I had wanted to follow Christ, my confidence had been in myself – what I knew, how I behaved, and how hard I tried. I had been so certain I was on the right side, and had spent my life trying to get others on board. Excusing my horrible attitudes and actions, I blamed others for all my problems.
Now, all my self-righteousness lay in a smoldering pile of ash, the exalted view of myself collapsed in a heap. What hope was there for me, who had leaped into the bottom of the pit?
Eventually I stopped shrieking long enough to honestly seek answers. I desperately needed to find real answers or I was a goner.
Getting to the Root of the Problem
Just like everyone, I was designed to be perfectly loved and valued for my potential. The desire to accomplish something magnificent and significant burned inside me.
Although I didn’t know it at a conscious level, I longed for wholeness and completeness; I yearned to live inside perfect unity and harmony between male and female. This wholeness is indeed totally available, but only in Christ.
Unfortunately, I ignored this key aspect of Christ. Instead of relying on Christ’s wholeness, I had sought everything from people.
After I crashed and burned, I began to see that God’s salvation is immensely more comprehensive than I realized. Until then, I had operated as though it was up to me to resolve the conflict between male and female that had dominated and defeated my life. Wholeness, which I so desperately wanted, was something I tried to make happen. Ignoring what Scripture clearly teaches; my divided heart had led me on a wild goose chase.
Now I began to wake up to God’s truth. Christ brought wholeness and completeness into humanity’s realm. Christ abolished the wall of division I (and the rest of world) had constructed, and in Himself made the two to be one. This is all accessed by simply trusting all of Christ and all He accomplished.
What Christ accomplished is so vast that I am being re-created into a new kind of creature with a completely new nature – simply by believing the truth. Wholeness is the basis for that new creature. Let me tell you, that is some fantastic news!
As I rely and rest in Christ’s wholeness and connect with Him, I experience the completeness I always longed for. Such fulfillment and satisfaction releases me from trying to wrangle it from other people.
Dismantling Radio J-F-C & A New Station is “On The Air”
And guess what else? My attempts to judge and fix and control Radio J-F-C are quickly evaporating. Judgment is being dismantled and replaced with joyful faith in God’s promises to rescue and re-create us. Fixing has no place anymore; I am too full of sheer gratitude and praise for all Christ accomplished. Control is cast out by the love of God which has begun to flow through me to everyone, even the difficult people in my life.
Becoming fully convinced of God’s truth of wholeness in Christ is achieving what all my self-effort could never do. Goodbye Radio J-F-C, a new station is now on the air – Radio Faith-Praise-Love!
JENNY WEST • SEPT 2014
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