…it was becoming more difficult to hide what I really felt … like someone caught in quicksand, the harder I tried to get out, the more I sank…
I knocked myself out to become an all-star pastor’s wife, super-mom, and golly-gee-whiz-ain’t-she-the-great-pillar-of-the-community. Even though I really wanted to help people, there was something in me that always got in the way. If people didn’t measure up to my standards, I secretly scorned them.
Despite my scorn, I thought of myself as an exemplary Christian. I tried my very best to be all things to all people at all times. Other people struggled with their marriages, finances, addictions, depression – and I wanted to help them. I did the typical list of activities: led Bible studies, children’s programs, as well as being a wife and mother.
It was easy to be nice to those who were nice to me, but if someone hurt me I became defensive and walled them off. The Bible said to forgive others, which I thought was a good idea, but if they repeated their offenses I dismissed them as hopeless and rejected them. When someone really ticked me off I became angry, which I excused and justified as a reasonable response.
My heart attitudes were like a pendulum, vacillating between feeling superior to some people and devaluing them – or feeling inferior to others and envying them.
All of these conflicting thoughts and emotions were constantly running in my heart and mind. I knew my attitudes weren’t right, so I tried to correct them by praying more, reading the Bible more, throwing myself into church work, and above all, trying harder to act nice.
Over time, all my inner conflict began to take its toll. Something was definitely wrong—I wasn’t sure why, or what to do about it, but it became more difficult to hide what I really felt. Managing my scorn, envy, and judgment was a full-time job. Added to that, my unhealed wounds and crazy-neediness were wreaking havoc with my emotions.
I had coped and tried everything I could think of to change myself—except really believing God’s truth. Instead, I believed that my feelings were true which made me feel like I lived on a roller coaster. When the storm came, it all collapsed.
The storm was totally of my own making—a relational tornado caused by my own unbelief. I had sown wind and I was reaping a whirlwind. My carefully crafted façade crumbled; the persona I had constructed eroded; what was left was not a pretty sight.
My false belief system had led me into a cycle of destructive behavior, remorse and regret, wrenching heartache, and desperate attempts to pull myself together. Instead of helping people, I added to the mess. But like someone caught in quicksand, the harder I tried to get out by using my same old thinking and methods, the more I sank.
Miserable and exhausted, I eventually ceased flailing long enough to notice someone had tossed me a rope. A friend implored me to go with her to a one day seminar because she knew it could be life-changing. That day I heard God’s truth in a new way. It was like oxygen to my nearly extinguished ember of hope—I had to find out more. The woman who led the seminar also held a weekly Bible study which I attended without fail. Instead of focusing on trying to control my behavior, it focused on being changed by believing and applying God’s truth to my life. What a novel idea.
I wish I could say that “presto-chango” I immediately became a new person. Because I still held onto many un-truths, my journey was not a steady ascent to the top. It was more like climbing a mountain of loose rock—a few steps up often followed by a long slide down.
What I can say is that once I began to honestly examine myself under the powerful microscope of God’s truth, I really started to wake up. The light exposed my pattern of ignoring and justifying my attitudes. I saw how I had tried to control my behavior, put a lid on my wrong reactions, and cover up what I really felt, hoping that would somehow make me more Christ-like.
I also realized how divisive I had been and saw the destruction it had caused. Guilt and shame would have crushed me had it not been for God’s promise that He forgives when I acknowledge my sin.
The instant I opened up my heart to receive God’s glorious forgiveness – joy and relief flooded through me. I clung to the rock-solid truth that Jesus Christ died to pay for all my wrong actions as well as all my wrong reactions to those who had hurt me. The grace of God began to wash away the pain and grief of my wrongs, and I experienced a lightness in my spirit I never thought possible. I felt like a dead woman brought back to life.
But what about all the mess I had made? How was I ever going to clean that up? I learned from Scripture that Christ came not only to pay my enormous debt, but also heal the enormous damage in those I had so grievously wounded. He offers to re-create them by faith in God’s mercy and truth. Jesus Christ has already accomplished everything needed to solve all our deepest problems. That was the clincher for me—forgiveness and a new mind and heart. What a plan!
Once I became fully convinced of this truth, my faith activated. I really believed God and let His grace pour through me to everyone, no exceptions. Scripture is clear: Christ came to save the whole world. He had victory over sin, guilt, blame, loss, hopelessness, and even death itself. Christ’s victory was so thorough and comprehensive that on the Cross He said, “It is finished!”
Confidence in God’s spectacular plan is changing the way I see others. God will absolutely complete what He started in them and in me. His plan is fail-safe, because He has sworn on Himself that He will do it. Knowing this allows me to rest and relate to people in a totally different way than I used to. Now I see others through the lens of God’s promises for them.
God’s grace is radically changing me as I trust Christ’s finished work. Difficulties which used to throw me into a tailspin, I now see as opportunities for growth. Challenges I used to avoid are now adventures that I want to take on. All the resources I need are available as I rest in Christ—wisdom, guidance, provision, fellowship—everything. This new kind of life often surprises me, but it should be no surprise, because this is exactly what God says will happen for all who simply believe Him.
JENNY WEST • JAN 2014
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