…Since childhood, I lived in the get-it-right-or-else state of mind. Even as I studied the Bible, I scolded myself for my lack of understanding … To me rightness came from knowing the correct answers…
My spiritual journey was extremely difficult because I was my own saboteur, presenting myself with a lot of homemade challenges. My thinking was exceedingly muddled and muddied and blocked connection with the true God.
Confusion and contradictions plagued my mind. False concepts of God, a variety of false beliefs, and a multitude of false gods – all these were huge obstructions to my spiritual growth.
FALSE CONCEPT: NICE & SWEET
In eighth grade the teacher presented his concept of God as harsh and condemning. I dug in my heels, thinking to myself, “my god is nice and sweet.” This “marshmallow god” was soft and comfortable.
FALSE CONCEPT: THINKING GOD HAS FAVORITES
I decided God had favorites and I was one of them. The catch was that “god” was a god of my own imagination.
FALSE CONCEPT: IDOLIZING OTHER PEOPLE
Then I attended a bible study, but got tangled up by idolizing the teacher and the other ladies I met, thinking that they knew so much more than I ever could. It was easier for me to rejoice in God’s promises of restoration for other people than to believe them for myself.
FALSE CONCEPT: GET-IT-RIGHT-OR-ELSE
Then the long-standing problem of perfectionism showed up again. I pushed myself to study more, thinking “I’m not as good or as smart as the other ladies.” To me rightness came from knowing the correct answers. I was judging myself at a performance level, measuring myself by others’ journeys.
FALSE CONCEPT: SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS & DOMINANCE
Another false god permitted my life of arrogant self-righteousness and dominance over the people around me. This false god hid most secretly.
GOD IS LOVING AND ALSO HONEST ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS
A revelation of giant proportions came the day I realized that “these gods of my own making” were not the true God. Yikes! I had followed false gods. I had lived encapsulated in my very own belief system. These false beliefs had me paralyzed.
(Later I discovered that our natural minds perceive God as we perceive the circumstances around us. The contradictions were stunning. I had quite the variety of concepts: Perfectionism, idolizing other people, favoritism, and get-it-right-or-else. No wonder I felt confused!)
I began to see the true God is loving and honest about our problems. What I discovered is that God is determined to free me from my crazy life, to free me of the entanglement of false beliefs, erroneous thinking, and perfectionism.
Finally I realized my need to focus on Scripture to find God’s truth and stop relying on my own ideas and feelings. As I studied Scripture, my long-sought answers slowly became clear.
Painfully I faced the fact that I could not make myself right. I prayed, “I come to you, Father, with dirty face and hands and smelly clothes. Father, forgive me; I have grievously sinned.”
With a repentant and humble heart, I started to comprehend the righteousness of faith: the rightness of simply believing God, of being fully persuaded that God’s Word is true. This righteousness is not by my works, or my performance, or by reciting the right words, or about learning information. It is simply about believing God’s Word deep in one’s heart.
With humility in my heart, I began to actually trust God, to rest in the absolute truth of His promises, and to let Christ work in me. I began to rest because of what Christ has accomplished and to understand the Father’s heart of love and His plan for restoration. Oh! At last I could “be still and know that He is God.”
GOD’S FAITHFULNESS: BEYOND JOY
All during my journey, no matter how messed up I was, the true God never left me nor abandoned me. Many times I felt defeated, discouraged, and as lifeless as a rag doll. But God is unfaltering and there were times I truly knew His presence. He will never forsake me.
It is through the faithfulness of God toward me that I am even able to write this.
The life-giving truth I learned is to believe God, trust Christ, and love people. My heart is awakening to all He has for me. I am in awe of God’s sovereign plan that not only saves me from my sins but also invites me to abide in Christ. Believing God’s plan opens the door for me to actually love other people and rely on God’s promises for their lives.
“If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.” (John 15:10-11)
The wondrousness of God’s plan for me and you is ineffable – a reality too glorious to be described in words. It is impossible for the power and majesty and righteousness of God to be described in any language.
Even though words fall short, I am beginning to live inside of this Scripture: “If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” This is beyond joy!
ELLAINE COSCARELLA • MAY 2014
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